Here is the details for my Christmas lunch with my interpretations in red

This is the e-mail sent to me about the Christmas lunch I will be attending... the coles notes verion is in red

Hi Danny,

I'm fine, and I have a wonderful time moaning about the humid weather.
(I'm fine, but I haven't finished my Christmas shopping, I have to get prepared to cook a dinner for you, my family and all your lazy asses and its 40 fricking degrees outside and I have boob sweat)
Details: we have a traditional vaguely mixed English and Australian Christmas lunch. This year we'll be having roast pork, roast lamb and a cold ham, with traditional apple sauce, gravies, roast veggies etc. We also do a brandy plum pudding with custard, fruit mince pies etc and a side dessert of something else for the non pudding eaters (eg my sons aren't big on it).
(We eat like Kings, I cook like a slave and yet my sons still can't manage to choke back the damn pudding that my needy Husband and mother insists on)
Let me know if any of this is a dietary problem , no probs if it is...can always do something additional for you.
(Your bandwagoning sorry ass better like whatever it is I decide to make)
As good Aussies, we are also red and white wine (and the men are also beer drinkers. We also ensure there are plenty of non alcoholic drinks around for eg me during the cooking!
(The only way you, me, my family gets through this most aggravating time is to get drunk as skunks, so you better bring some because I'm not sharing any of my magic potion)
Best time to arrive is 12.30. We tend to get straight into pre lunch drinks and nibbles and gift unwrapping immediately before Jasmine explodes with anticipation.
(By 10am I will have needed a strong drink... by 12:30 I won't be able to wait any longer and we all need to eat something to have a good balance of booze to food ratio in the belly to avoid barfing at 4am when I most likely will still be drinking)

Then lunch inside in the dining room (squeezy with so many of us, but adds to the fun) then outside in the garden for the afternoon, weather permitting. If it's hot Jasmine tends to squirt everyone with water pistols..which actually isn't too bad if its over 30 degrees!
(Because of you we are going to have to sit on each other laps... why is it I invited your sorry ass again? Regardless of temperature we are going to have to sit outside because there isn't enough room with you being there and there is a strong possibility you will get splashed in the face with a water pistol. I suppose this could be one reason why I invited you as the extra person means that there will be less squirts directed at me this year and we will all avoid the wet t-shirt incident we encountered last Christmas. P.s. hopefully this year the water pistol won't be filled with pee like it was in 05... here is to hoping!!)
Family info for you.
My husband Malcolm is a skinny Englishman, still has a strong accent despite claiming not to do so..took me a year to understand some of what he said (smile).
( He is a midget and he is sensitive about it, so no jokes. When he drinks there is no chance you will have any idea what he is saying, but this is most likely for the better, so cheers to that)

My sons are Willis, a bureaucrat come to think of it, in Melbourne; plays club cricket, volley ball (?) golf, used to play Aussie rules football and rugby and American football in his teens .
(Bureaucrat... so you he is going to ask you about your politics and religion within the first 10 minutes of meeting you.. you better bring your a-game... if you are getting killed trying changing the topic to the following sports)

Duncan, Jasmine's Dad, plays club tennis, plays acoustic guitar, Jasmine does gymnastics. (is scarily good at it). (It's a possibility that Duncan's partner Tamara and her 6 yr old daughter Jade will also be here. depends on how she can fit in both families. )
(Duncan will be so busy trying to keep Jasmine under control you won't have to worry about him)

My youngest son Jon (aged 28) still hasn't a clue about what do with his life, like many youngest sons apparently (smile). He began a BA at Flinders, dropped out, likes films and computers and is a really gentle guy...
(Where have a heard this story before minus the gentle part?)
And my Mum, Lena is a wonderful woman, who is very lucid at 85, but has recently lost a lot of her eyesight due to macular degeneration..but she doesn't let that stop her!
(A saucy lady who will indulge in a medicinal drink by about 8am can't see a thing, but she will be stripping by 2pm regardless.... nothing has stopped her including the depression and WW2)

Hmmm, if you want to bring anything a bottle of wine is always welcome...but if you don't drink, anything is fine.
(You better bring a bottle of wine, even if you don't drink and for your sake you better.. .you should still bring a bottle... its like Church when they pass around the plate for collection.. you know its a ripoff, but you don't want anyone to think you are mooching!!)
Do you drive or cycle?
(As I have hinted throughout this e-mail... the only chance of someone surviving this ordeal is to drink copious amounts of booze, so you should most likely drive unless you plan on driving home with your eyes closed and I can't really condone such actions)